A GOOD Marriage · 11 October 2005
Someone wanted to write an article on what it is like being married to someone with ME.
This is my contribution:
When my husband called I told him about the article. I said: “Would you like to write a few words on what it is like being married to someone with ME?”
There was silence down the other end of the phone. We were both silent. It speaks louder than words, doesn’t it?
“No comment then?” I suggested. And we both laughed.
I cannot imagine what it is like for my husband to live with me. We met just 3 years ago last Sept 6th. We have known each other for years. We married two months later. Two months after that my husband insisted I saw the Dr, and in February I finally went. She wondered if I was depressed. My husband and I looked at each other and nearly laughed. We’ve just got married I said in surprise! Later, I cried because I didn’t know what was wrong with me and told my husband to leave me; me being ill wasn’t part of the package and I was giving him his freedom from this nightmare. He said: “I don’t even want to give creedence to that with an answer (or words to that effect), it is not an option and we will deal with this together.”
My husband is brilliant when I am really, really bad, but when I am not so bad it starts to go pear shaped. Everything piles up again because I say I can do it and I get in a mood because I feel inadequate cos I can’t cope and I expect hubby to read my mind and see what I can or can’t do.
BUT … I am a christian and although what God says in the bible about a good wife is really difficult, it is also very helpful.
In the bible a good wife does everything! The husband goes out to work (infact I am not sure if the husband of the bible does even that!). The wife, cooks, grows the food, sees to the animals, looks after the children, sorts the house out – everything.
There was a programme on TV about a Russian socialite. They owned a large home in England and were very wealthy. She organised everything. She was a scientist but gave up her career to look after the house and the children and her husband. He works, comes home and his wife is there for him, looking made up and good, the household is comfortable. Yes she has mega amounts of help. That is not my point.
My point is priorities. The Russian wife knew her priorities. And in a marriage the wife’s priorities are her husband. The husband’s priorities are his wife. A wife needs to be a good manager. It is not that she has to do everything but sort everything to get it done. In other words learn to delegate. A husband needs a listening ear, good food, and some sex. He needs to see that the woman he chose to live with by his side is still his woman. He needs his fragile ego massaged and encouraged and admired. Her beauty and skills need to be adored (my husband fails on that score, but I remind him now and again). The children come second. Not a poor second, their needs are just as important and this is where the qualities of a good wife come in, she needs to know how to divide her time fairly.
So with an illness to cope with too, the wife’s or husband’s abilities are less and an agreement needs to be worked in on who does what and what is fair and where paid help is afforded. If there is any pressure on the disabled person it is to look as good as they can when they can and give time to their partner.
I fail dismally on looking good for my husband. And sometimes I can’t listen to him because my brain has gone. The point is I try.
I am sure that marriages where the partner is disabled fail for exactly the same reasons that marriages where there is no disability fail.
It is not the disability that causes the marriage failure but the lack of knowledge of what makes a good marriage. It is the lack of love for their partner in not trying to do that which makes a good marriage.
Being married with no illness, is no different to being married with an illness. There is no difference. If you were on your own whether ill or not, jobs around the house would still need to be done. If you were ill and on your own you would have to get help. So get help then while you are married to leave you free for your husband’s or wife’s needs when they get home.
Someone I knew broke up with his wife shortly after she was diagnosed with ME. He got some stick from his friends I can tell you but what happened there? Did he really leave his wife because of her illness or was it because of her own reaction to her illness? Now their children all live with their Dad, and have done since they were quite young, now what does that tell you? He never married again although he does now have a long term partner.
I think people with long term illnesses need counselling to cope with their disability. It is the carers who suffer more than the sick person and the sick person should look out and stop feeling so sorry for themselves! Harsh I know! But I know that it is me that causes the problems when we have them because I am feeling sorry for myself that day or I am fed up with being ill or I am bored with resting.
I haven’t mentioned the physical side of our marriage but it does happen occasionally! Thank God!
All that I have said here is of-course easier said than done. And all I can say is: watch this space to see if our marriage survives! With the grace of God it will and I certainly pray earnestly for help, support, wisdom and encouragement all the time!! My husband says: Of-course it will!!!!
Lovely man!
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Secondly, I would just like to state that you don’t fail dismally on looking good for my dad, I think you always look lovely.
Love Em x
— Em Oct 28, 11:41 AM #
It’s so true we need to constantly focus our priorities. If asked the question on who are they focused, I’d have to say that most of the time my priorities are on my wants and needs.
Thank you for the challenge.
— Rachel Webb Oct 31, 11:01 AM #
Loads of love
M
— Michael Gutierrez Nov 1, 05:57 PM #
You normally eat at the services cos you are too hungry to wait until you get home!!
Don’t expect homemade steak and kidney pudding either … I will no doubt be VERY MEish that day!!!!
— Marianne Nov 1, 07:15 PM #